Un-titled

Hey.

I still like him, if you're wondering. For the first 3 days he left, I cried and pretty much went emo.
Starting Sunday though, I felt better. And I still am getting better. He rang me on sunday night, which made my day. We message each other every single day, I still like him, if not more.

I miss him, almost everything about him. Little things reminds me of him. Whenever I see a panda now, he comes into mind, when I see couples on the street, or anything. I think of him mostly.

Recently, my mum really pisses me off. I started to share more about Him. In fact, I told her some things about him, like his feelings for me and my feelings for him and just his background and stuff. She's obviously not supportive of it. It's not like I'm in a relationship with him.

But she keeps going on and on about what kind of guy I should be with, how I should guard my heart and stick to my priorities. Since I was young, my dream was to get married, to have a family. The older I grew, my expectations became a list and people sorta have an idea of what kind of guy I will end up with, what kind of person is right for me.

Being honest, after I met him, he changed my point of view. As in, well I'm shallow. I wanna be rich. My dream is to get married and have a family. With either 2 kids or 4 kids. I don't plan on working much, I wanna be those typical housewives. Which many people, even myself know that it requires a wealthy husband or someone with a decent career or stable income to support myself and the family. But after getting to know him lately, I realized that we have different dreams.

I asked him once, that if he could be anything, what does he wanna be? For a career. Any career. I was expecting one of the asian fives, or something like that. but he told me he wanted to be normal, that he didn't wanna be rich. That he just want a job that could earn just enough money to support him and his family. For awhile, I thought of his answer.

And only a few days ago that I realized something. He helped me realize something. That The whole time, my desires and dream was wrong. I want a family - a perfect family. And a rich husband and all, but I was selfish. I never intended it to be for God's purpose or plan. And I realized that God probably brought him to my life to remind me of God. And that I should change my desires to be in line with God's purpose.

Many people don't see us together. I didn't either. But then I started to. Of course I'm not being biased to my interests and feelings, and I'm not saying it's definite he's THE ONE. but, is it wrong to keep him in mind while I keep my options open?

After my mum found out more about him, she seems to disagree. It's little things she says that pisses me off. I'm not stupid, she raised me up with some decent knowledge and expectations. But I dislike how she's like the typical asian parents. I know that his past and little things he does isn't exctly right or perfect, i know that if I were to marry him, things could be hard and my dreams may not even end up as dreams.

But I'm not stupid. I still have decent expectations. It's not like I will be dumb and ironic enough to give up on everything I've lived for just for young love. I'm willing enough to change my dream for God though, and I know that if it's for God's purpose, I'd do anything. Even if God wants me to marry someone else, I would. Even if that someone else isn't perfect or what I expected. Because I know God picked the right one for me for a plan. And he knows the desires of my heart. As long as I follow him, he will grant my desires with his plan. So I trust in him.

Currently though, I still like the same person. I will always have him in mind, while I keep my options open. I'm gonna take these few years to change myself for the better, as in physically, character wise, personality and taking my relationship with God to the next step. And I know then that God will tell me.

So yea, alot has been happening lately, I also realized I'm clingy. I don't know. I'm insecure too, not about myself. but like his feelings for me. I don't know why T.T It's like I need reassurance from him so often, almost daily. Agh I don't know.

I don't like to give into my feelings, I don't like to actually like someone. Especially when I actually really like him, or when I love him. Because I know that I put alot of effort, thoughts and stuff to it, and I expect alot in return. Agh I don't know. :/

oh, and he found my blog. Great.

Anyways, I'll keep you updated!