I miss him

Hayden left today.

I saw him last was last night. I'm not even gonna bother explaining the details. I cried so much last night, and this morning, and evening. I'm honestly emotionally drained and physically tired.. no one understands. I can't talk to anyone about it. I told Bertha, Kenneth and Helen, but they can't say much. They don't know my real thoughts. All they can say is 'same', 'aww..' or just agree and comfort me with a hug. But they don't know how much he means to me.

When I cried over the phone to Katie this evening, I told her I love him. she thinks I really really really really like him, but maybe not love. But I do. it's so hard to explain. So sure, I've said I 'loved' other guys before, but the feeling is so different. Hayden is so different. I honestly love him, and no one gets it.
I talked to isaac about him this morning, somehow i feel best talking about it with him because he understands. He's like the other half of Hayden. He's always been there, for both of us. and he knows whats happening, what our thoughts are.

I don't even know what anything really is anymore. Hayden has been my joy lately, and now he's gone. I know I'm leaving too, and i'm part of a reason why he chose to leave too, but I feel so lost without him. I've been through so much with him, it's not even funny. Everytime I cry and think of him, I replay our goodbye.

I tell him 3 years is a short time, but it's in fact a long time. And I'm not sure how long I have until we do meet. I think my fear is that I won't mean as much to him, or the same anymore..

It's hard to comprehend or think about it, because there's so many things that's unexplained and unsaid. I don't wanna start from the beginning, and agh I don't know. I feel like crying. I just miss him.