There's alot of things I seem to have heard about him, from someone. It's not just anyone, but it's someone trustworthy. To both of us.. Someone close. That 'someone' can't possibly make things up, right? I don't even know. I don't know who else to trust. Him, or what that someone said. The thought of cheating have lingered in my mind everyday. I even cried when I found out. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH. what's wrong with me? He can't possibly cheat on me.. He told me he loved me. But then again, doesn't all these sound familiar? Guy tells girl he loves her, girl believes, guy cheats on her, girl finds out, guy apologizes, girl forgives, and so on. You know the sequence.
But he's not like that. I'm not even sure whether it's cheating. Does it count? The fact we're not in a relationship anymore, but we still like (love) each other? And he could possibly i don't know, gotten drunk somewhere and did something with someone.. or was supposed to go out with a girl to use her, or went out with 2 girls last term at the same time, even if he didn't like them. Is it all possible? Well, the facts about those girls sure exists, their identity and all.. The person that told me can't make it up, it's too much of a hassle to do that. And why would the person do that in the first place?
It's 50/50 now. I believe the person, because the person has proof. About who some of these girls are, but then the people he is friends with contradicts everything. I'm sure they would tell me if he did, right? Agh i don't know. Is it me? Maybe I shouldn't give a damn. As long as he loves me, and he's just using them, i shouldn't really care. right? right.
no. that's not right. I wish I knew what was going on, and what went on. My bestfriend told me to confront him in a way that's not obvious, in a way that won't give away the fact a mutual close friend told me. A little birdy. It's so tempting though. to just be like <INSERT NAME> TOLD ME. he/she told me everything. So damn tempting. but I can't.
So I started off innocently, asking the "What would you do if..." questions." And then the are you sure? are you not lying" in a joking tone. But I'm not. What if he did.. What if he didn't. It's impossible he didn't though. The person won't just make up a few stories like that. Besides, he has had a record of cheating on his past girlfriends - although his excuse was that the relationship wasn't serious.
Agh, i don't know. I had to dig deeper. Something to make it more obvious. So I brought up the whole *Sarah thing. Okay. When I was on holiday ( we weren't dating ) he still liked me and all, I knew. But my feelings wasn't mutual. And someone told me that he was going out with this new girl named *Sarah. I was kinda taken back by it, but it didn't affect me that much. Because I knew he didn't like her, it lasted for only a day, and he broke up with her. Because he still liked me or what not. And now I decided to bring it up. Because that was one excuse I had.
I asked him whether it was counted as cheating, he said it wasn't. and how it was wrong, because he used her when he liked me, blahblahblah. But it was also not my problem, since I knew he liked me, but I never told him that I liked him. So it doesn't give him a reason not to do whatever he wants with other girls. Which he has a point. Too good of a point in fact, but i still demanded it was wrong. It WAS wrong. it really was. And he apologized and said he was wrong because he used her when he liked me.
And Agh i don't know, he seemed so clear of his conscience. I asked him whether he went out with anyone else when he liked me, he said he had to think, and he said he didn't. like 3 times. I kept asking him for reassurance. Because I wanted to know that he was wrong. But I still couldn't get him to admit it and asked "Why should I believe you?" and he said "Because, I love you." I hate how I love him now.
Our whole conversation was not at all too serious. He was laughing most of the time, although the message and what we talked about did continue. And then he stopped when I said " You know.. I talked to Katie about it. She told me not to trust you. " agh it's so stupid of me to say that. Because I knew that that would trigger something in him, and I said it anyways. And that wasn't even Katie's exact words.. She told me not to trust either of them 100%. not to trust the person who told me, nor him entirely.. But I made it sound like a bad thing. His voice changed, suddenly all soft, and murmuring, there was also an absence of laughter. And a tad of sadness, a pissed off tone and 'nothing'. He said he was alright though.
I knew he wasn't. He then said how she's right, i shouldn't trust him, he lied to me, and how he's a bad person. When I asked "How is she right? Why shouldn't I trust you?" he didn't have a reason. Apart from "I don't know." It's either I triggered the thoughts of what that someone told me about him, or he was just hurt from the fact my bestfriend told me not to trust him.
At that very moment, I had to go. Which sucks, because I hate to say goodbye when he has his sad tone. And I feel bad for making him feel bad. I know I should be thinking more on the possibility of him in any of those situations that 'someone' told me about, but I didn't. After we hung up, I texted him apologizing. Because I do trust him, because he hasn't given me a real reason not to. And I'm afraid I still will, even if everything that 'someone' said was true. Because I love him now, and he does too, isn't that what matters?
I sound so cheesy, I feel so embarrassed writing this. but I feel so guilty, so I had to write it somewhere, anywhere. And I did promise all honesty and detailed, right? I don't know. *sigh.
I don't know who to believe in, I don't know what to believe in, I don't know why I love him.
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