When everything fails

Sometimes, there's things that I don't understand.. sometimes the people I've always looked up to my whole life, ends up failing at what they have taught me all my life. When I'm going through a really hard situation right now, how come I can't find someone to turn to? Not even find my best-friend, not even my trusted friend, or my leader. Why?

Sometimes there's things I know you just don't tell. or maybe you can't tell. I'm not upset, I still have faith. But things don't look too bright right now, in many aspects of my life. When I think of who to turn to, I find no one.. No one but God.

But how am I suppose to turn to God when I haven't been the best I could be lately? I feel so ashamed to turn to God at my hardest times. But someone once said; God is at his best when we're at our worse. Maybe he's the only person there. I KNOW he's the only person there.

A promise and silence.

There was this guy that I once loved, I still love him, but.. maybe in a different way from how I used to.
We made a promise to talk every single day; but realized it wasn't realistic, due to the distance and how both our lives would be filled with business and changes. So we promised to message each other atleast once a week. For the first month or so, we would talk almost every single day. But that slowly decreased, as the weeks came along. So things between both of us slowly changed.

He told me he still likes me, and that he'll wait for me. But he wants me to move on.
The thing is, I have. But I still love him. Is that wrong?

Is it wrong for me to write such things, knowing that there's a slight chance he'd come across this?
Or Is it wrong to move on, or have jumped into anything with him in the first place?

Being honest, we haven't talked in more than a month. Well, I did my part; I promised him, during our little argument/tension thing, that no matter what, I won't give up on him or our friendship; That I will continue to message him, even if he doesn't.

I told him this a few times, once or twice.

And I still do message him - once in awhile. I promised him I will message him once a week, but.. I failed to do so. I mean being honest, it's hard to continually talk to someone that doesn't respond. But I made a promise to not give up on him, our friendship, and I will continue to do so; In caring for him, praying for him, thinking of him and writing to him.

Last time I heard from him was more than a month and a half ago. Almost 2 months now.

I don't feel hurt. I just wonder at times, how he's doing, what he's doing now, whether he's okay, whether he has changed, and how things will be when we meet again.

He thinks we won't meet again, but I do. We will. We have to..

Yea, I think it'd be interesting to see how things go in the near future. I'm looking forward to seeing him, and everyone else. Particularly him though, just because. :)

Well, until then!

Dear no one

I decided to blog again! I know I haven't in a long, long time! Especially on this blog... This blog is private now, as I do not update this publicly.. anymore. I do get some views on this blog still, every now and then. But I came up with this brilliant idea, inspired by the name of this blog : Dear no one.

Lately, and continually, I miss so many people. From New Zealand. There's so many memories, thoughts, and feelings I would love to share. And this blog can be perfect for it. I'm gonna keep the people I'm writing to anonymous. So It's Dear no one, But maybe from the contents of my writing, you'd be able to tell who.

So I'm gonna dedicate this blog to whomever I would like to dedicate it to. Whether someone does read this blog, or not. Anyways, I hope to write soon. :)

The Lucky one

Have you ever considered yourself to be the lucky one?

The one who is so blessed to have someone so amazing to fall for you out of everyone else in this entire world? Have you?

Do you think there would be some sort of pressure, if you were the lucky one?

To be compatible with that 'amazing' person, or to feel the need to live up to

being perfect, or better than the rest of his/her options?

Or are you the one with the lucky person?

That out of all the choices you could possibly get, you chose this one person.

I don't know, just a few question stuck in my head.

Happy -

Hi!

How have you been? I've been okay lately.

So yea, I still like him. But I've been thinking alot lately, and I think it's better if we stayed purely as best friends. I mean, if he chooses to wait, I will be surprised, and like yaknow, wow. He must like me that much, considering he waited that long. But if he doesn't, well, I guess it's not meant to be. I will still care for him as much as I did and do. Cause he means alot to me, our friendship and relationship does.

The thing is, I know he doesn't quite treasure our friendship as much as I do. He is more onto the relationship side. And ofcourse, I've been on both sides. But I mean, him being a good friend of mine won't hurt. Like I love him as a friend too.

But agh, i don't know. I don't like it how when I try to let go of him, I end up going through this stage of wanting to not let go, or I end up missing him a lot. Like in a way that's selfish. As if I want him all to myself, and I just want him to pay attention to me. And that his whole world revolves around me.

But I can't. I've done enough. He has done so much, in many ways. It's time I start letting go, so he can find his priority in life, for himself. I still pray for him, I ask God to bless him, and that he would do the right things, and always return to God. And I hope he will. I know God has a big plan for him.

He's a really amazing guy. Like he's just full of it. haha i don't know.. :/

And hm, today was suppose to be our (could've been) one year anniversary! I wished him happy (could've been) anniversary. But wow, one year, that's ages for me.

So yea hm. Quite a few people have been asking me whats up with us lately.

I think I've moved on. from wanting to find someone.

I mean after I moved back, I've met several people who asked me out. And no, it's not like I'm 'skuxx' or what not. I think it's just a phase of me being the 'new girl' and yaknow, new things are always new - i guess? But yea, I've been really hm..

Now that I know how it kinda feels like to have the decision to choose between people, I kinda like not being able to date at the moment. I mean the permission to date. No actually, I don't know.

I want my parents to just tell me 'yes Chelsea, you can have the permission to be in a relationship and date.' I mean no, it's not like I've met someone, and it's not like I want to be in an official relationship at the moment. But just the fact that I can have the permission to choose who I want to be with and when, Yaknow?

*sigh. In a way, it's good. Because it makes a wonderful excuse to not go out with people. But ah, i don't know. I think the song Dear no one by Tori Kelly suits me perfectly. I mean when the right time comes, God will show it to me right? But in the mean time, I have so much ahead of me, and so many more things I need to change and prioritize.

Short rant

Hey.

Sorry I haven't been updating on this blog much.

I have had many things going on lately. And many things I don't feel like sharing..

But then as I was in the shower just an hour ago, I thought of why I started blogging in the first place.

Right now, I feel really lost. Confused and lonely. And No, not the horny lonely.

But Well, I've met many people recently. Many guys actually.

And they're all really nice. But meh.

I kinda miss being the girl that was good at talking.

After I moved here, I'm the one who is always quiet and answering.

They ask all the same questions, they just always ask questions.

Which, I like. and which was like how I used to be.

In NZ, I was always the one who asked people questions, not the others.

The questions I get now are so common though.

Which isn't a bad thing, because well, I'm new. and it's normal for someone to wanna know more about you.

But I mean - I miss being the girl people turned to. The one that had a gift of talking. The one that's usually

liked for her personality. But here.. it's the other way around.

Also, why I don't feel like blogging on this blog, it's because well...

people do read it. And my things are really personal. Sometimes, even the person I write about could be

reading it. Which makes this whole thing agh. Which makes me feel like Taylor Swift, writing about guys.. :/

But like I said, I did say I will be writing in honesty.. So I will TRY to update more often. :)

and yes, in details and all..

A better master-plan

As much as I hate to admit, but I fell in love with my  guy best friend, and he became my everything. My whole world revolves around him. It sucks because I know one of us will get hurt. It's selfish because I don't want it to be me, but I know that once I love someone, I put my heart and mind to it.


It's like giving  my heart and have it returned broken. Is it that bad - you may ask? Maybe not, maybe yes. Like I said before, I've only cried over 2 guys - okay, 3 guys including him.


But I've had my heart broken-ed twice, and although it's different situations, they both still hurt  alot and I'm not too sure which one hurts more.


I think it's one sign that shows I'm not 'ready' for a relationship. But then again, in any stage, won't you feel hurt when it ends?

I wrote that a few days ago.

And on that same day:

He says he's gonna call, but he hasn't.


I sent him a long mail about how I'm doing, and how I hope he's doing fine, and how I miss him, and how we haven't been talking properly lately, and how if he gets over me, he has to tell me, etc. And I came on to find him replying that he has to tell me something.


That's always bad news, right?


Well, my thoughts were already ahead by then. I told myself in advance that this is it. That he's over me. I replayed all the possible situations by then, all the possible words he could say. And tried to prepare my heart for it.


Then he told me he read my blog. I couldn't say much to that, so 'Oh.. Aye?' was all I thought of. He then said he read my post : Trust Issues. A part of me felt relief because the words I thought he would say wasn't that. So I asked him if that was what he wanted to tell me.


About the post : Trust issues, I wrote that awhile ago, about him actually. We had an argument about me not trusting him - over the phone about a month and a bit ago. So quite awhile ago. But then he said he didn't, or that he can't remember he did, so I believed him. I really did. And partly I didn't want him to keep going on about me not trusting him, so I believed it and tried not bringing it up.


And back to where we were : ...I asked him if that was what he wanted to tell me.


He said he doesn't know what to say, whether he's suppose to say sorry, and that he doesn't know what he's done to me. and then he said 'I do still love you'.


Which made my whole heart and mind feel alot better. BUT HONESTLY. DID HE WANT TO GIVE ME SOME KIND OF SHOCK OR SOMETHING. dofhaofbeifaeif.


Then I started to talk about my feelings. And how I don't like to love him, which brings me back to what I wrote at the start of this post.


I thought of something, like well, as long as you give in to your feelings, you'll always have your heart broken, one way or the other. And I asked myself, it's either it changes you to be a better person, or it makes you more broken, and scared to give into another relationship.

Which I think, both happened to me. It made me a better, stronger person. Definitely. But I don't think I've fully overcome the fear of putting my heart and feelings at risk.

I'm making myself - well, convincing myself actually, to control my feelings. I think that after this, after  him and I, I really wanna take a break. Give my heart a break at least. I've always been the type to like someone for a long term, and all the little crushes in between are barely anything. So that means I've only really given my feelings in alot, was for 3 guys.

And, it's unfair for him too. To wait, to change. What can I offer him in return? What if neither of us can fully like or love each other for that long, right? Like I said before, he'll definitely be the kind of person that I'll fall for again.

For the time being, I think I'm gonna concentrate on changing myself. For the better.

I told Katie a bit about what's happening, not really this. But something she said, applies to how I am feeling. She told me that no matter what happens, He will always be someone that is in my mind and heart. And I think it's true. Whether he moves on, or I do, he'll always be someone in my mind and heart. Like he sorta sets a few expectations for a guy best friend, and someone I'd like. So it will definitely be hard to compare someone else, to what he has showed me for the past few years in our friendship and relationship.

OH, I still like him - if you're wondering. :P