As much as I hate to admit, but I fell in love with my guy best friend, and he became my everything. My whole world revolves around him. It sucks because I know one of us will get hurt. It's selfish because I don't want it to be me, but I know that once I love someone, I put my heart and mind to it.
It's like giving my heart and have it returned broken. Is it that bad - you may ask? Maybe not, maybe yes. Like I said before, I've only cried over 2 guys - okay, 3 guys including him.
But I've had my heart broken-ed twice, and although it's different situations, they both still hurt alot and I'm not too sure which one hurts more.
I think it's one sign that shows I'm not 'ready' for a relationship. But then again, in any stage, won't you feel hurt when it ends?
I wrote that a few days ago.
And on that same day:
He says he's gonna call, but he hasn't.
I sent him a long mail about how I'm doing, and how I hope he's doing fine, and how I miss him, and how we haven't been talking properly lately, and how if he gets over me, he has to tell me, etc. And I came on to find him replying that he has to tell me something.
That's always bad news, right?
Well, my thoughts were already ahead by then. I told myself in advance that this is it. That he's over me. I replayed all the possible situations by then, all the possible words he could say. And tried to prepare my heart for it.
Then he told me he read my blog. I couldn't say much to that, so 'Oh.. Aye?' was all I thought of. He then said he read my post : Trust Issues. A part of me felt relief because the words I thought he would say wasn't that. So I asked him if that was what he wanted to tell me.
About the post : Trust issues, I wrote that awhile ago, about him actually. We had an argument about me not trusting him - over the phone about a month and a bit ago. So quite awhile ago. But then he said he didn't, or that he can't remember he did, so I believed him. I really did. And partly I didn't want him to keep going on about me not trusting him, so I believed it and tried not bringing it up.
And back to where we were : ...I asked him if that was what he wanted to tell me.
He said he doesn't know what to say, whether he's suppose to say sorry, and that he doesn't know what he's done to me. and then he said 'I do still love you'.
Which made my whole heart and mind feel alot better. BUT HONESTLY. DID HE WANT TO GIVE ME SOME KIND OF SHOCK OR SOMETHING. dofhaofbeifaeif.
Then I started to talk about my feelings. And how I don't like to love him, which brings me back to what I wrote at the start of this post.
I thought of something, like well, as long as you give in to your feelings, you'll always have your heart broken, one way or the other. And I asked myself, it's either it changes you to be a better person, or it makes you more broken, and scared to give into another relationship.
Which I think, both happened to me. It made me a better, stronger person. Definitely. But I don't think I've fully overcome the fear of putting my heart and feelings at risk.
I'm making myself - well, convincing myself actually, to control my feelings. I think that after this, after him and I, I really wanna take a break. Give my heart a break at least. I've always been the type to like someone for a long term, and all the little crushes in between are barely anything. So that means I've only really given my feelings in alot, was for 3 guys.
And, it's unfair for him too. To wait, to change. What can I offer him in return? What if neither of us can fully like or love each other for that long, right? Like I said before, he'll definitely be the kind of person that I'll fall for again.
For the time being, I think I'm gonna concentrate on changing myself. For the better.
I told Katie a bit about what's happening, not really this. But something she said, applies to how I am feeling. She told me that no matter what happens, He will always be someone that is in my mind and heart. And I think it's true. Whether he moves on, or I do, he'll always be someone in my mind and heart. Like he sorta sets a few expectations for a guy best friend, and someone I'd like. So it will definitely be hard to compare someone else, to what he has showed me for the past few years in our friendship and relationship.
OH, I still like him - if you're wondering. :P
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